Before you see one of my fears brought to life, I thought that I can explain that fear to you. One of my fears is change. When promises aren’t serious anymore. When someone you love becomes someone you’ve never met before…
I look at him again. The fear never leaving my eyes. He is tall and confident. His smile can never leave his face no matter what. He stands straight with his friends sitting in front of him at the lunch table. He couldn’t stop the laughter between them.
A thought in the back of my head drifts to the front. The laughter…must be…about me.
I stare into the jokes and it’s almost like I stop existing to everyone else in the lunchroom. All the words people say about me actually makes me fade away. He didn’t even notice my existence when he is in the middle of his conversation. Is he allowed to break a promise after he breaks my heart?
The next thing that slips out of his lips answers it all. He didn’t keep my secret like he says he would. Another lie in my life.
Everyone has a shock expression on their face and every single person bursts out laughing. It seems satisfying to him.
I rush to him with a jump and grab him by the collar. I follow his eyes and try to make eye contact. All his cares have left with his words. I look at him like he knows what he did wrong, but he gives me no reaction. I grab his face with one hand because he stops speaking. I want to force an answer. I want him to be who he used to say he is and give me my closure. As always, he doesn’t show his feelings to me. I’m nothing.
His crowd creates a circle around me as if it is a routine, and force me into a corner with their movement. They are aggressive and surround me until I’m sitting in a corner alone. I stay there like they want, covering my eyes. I couldn’t watch anymore, and I couldn’t run away.
I look up for comfort now, and I see a different guy’s hand. His hand is reaching out to…me. I never met him before, but his hand is waiting for mine. I agree and put my hand into his. He quickly lets go and adds on to the heart break.
“I quit,” he says and leaves.
I stay in my corner and realize this nightmare is my life…
It scares me, but thoughts like this just appear in my mind. Sometimes you are hurt, and just can’t see the better side. Everyone has fears, and there’s a reason why it’s supposed to stay in the back of your mind.