My Turning Point

I still remember when me and her truly became best friends. It didn’t happen right away. I was on Facebook just looking for any new messages from my friends and I noticed a profile picture that I was unfamiliar with. It was from a girl that I barely spoke to. All I actually knew about her was that she was in my class, so she was just an acquaintance. I wouldn’t ignore anyone for no reason, so I responded. She opened up to me instantly even though I didn’t ask for it. I got to see all the pain that she has struggled through in her life.  I learned so much more about her that day, but I didn’t see her as a close friend yet because she was the only one who shared their feelings in our first conversation. It was always tough for me to let someone into my life that quickly because of past events that happened not so long before. For a couple days after that we just talked casually about our lives and our passion for chocolate, which I didn’t mind doing every day. She was on her way to be significantly involved in my life.

A week later, I was on my way to meeting a celebrity for a book signing, and she decided to tag along with her boyfriend. We were waiting in a bookstore for three hours, so we had a lot of time to talk. I never intended to get personal with them. I honestly just wanted to touch my celebrity crush and go home, but there was something different with the talk we had that made it separate from any other. They eased me into being completely comfortable saying anything in my head to both of them. I wasn’t judged once which surprised me, but I didn’t worry too much about it because I was too overjoyed over those moments. That night she actually opened my eyes to what a real friendship should be like. What I admired about her a lot is that she never kept any words to herself and was very blunt.  I compare the beginning moments of our friendship  to now and I can’t say that I feel the same way anymore. Later on, I felt like I was looking at the same face but different person every time that I spoke to her.  The difference is that from her words is that I was trustworthy and beautiful, but now I am a horrible and ugly person. I don’t know where it came from. I used to ask myself on dark nights how it lead to those words every day. I wanted to know what I did. I was willing to do whatever it took to get everything back to the way it was. All I ever wanted was a real friend who would never suddenly change out of nowhere because I have never had a friendship like that before. I thought that best friends would not use words or flaws against each other. They should only use words to build each other up.  I never got the answer that I was seeking for during our friendship.  Was it jealousy? What did I do that was so immoral?
    I remember the exact day we ended, too. My longest friendship ends in about a couple minutes with text messages. Before I started texting her, she was mad at me for a reason that I couldn’t explain. I’m used to those situations where she would call me names that would rankle me and not even be told where it came from so many times. We always move past them and continue our friendship. I just wanted to hold onto the memories that she made me treasure. I believed that the fighting was going on to the point where it just seemed so unhealthy for me to be a part of, especially since this wasn’t the first time. If she stayed in my life, I would have lost myself and would become another piece of her. I would also be lost in arguments that never had a solutiont  in my head.  I told her that I was unsure of our friendship during those texts and that she would be better off without me as I was walking to the train station. Then, she told me to kill myself immediately after. There were even more texts exchanged at a fast pace, but that was the only text that I can still clearly picture now because it pained me intensely. That text didn’t want to make me do it, but it hurt me inside because she is the only person that knew exactly what I was going through at the time. When everything was going great, I barely left any details out to her. I wouldn’t have ever expected to hear this from her out of all people. Everything she texted to me brought out a rage in me that I never let express to people ever in my life. I am the type of person that hides my anger behind my smile because I’ve learned in the past that anger hurts you more than anyone you use it on. When I spoke in that rage, I texted back all the words I was afraid to say after the change, while she was trying to pick out every little thing that she felt was wrong with me, but I’ve already heard all about that before. It is still in my thoughts occasionally. Even though I tried my hardest to forgive and forget, I can’t fix what’s already broken. I didn’t want to believe that a stranger was my best friend. It was like suddenly I got into a relationship I never agreed to be in. So many boundaries were crossed before I got to let them physically and mentally. An example of one of these moments are when she would reveal her feelings to me romantically, but I couldn’t reciprocate the same feelings towards her. It would be nice to be in a relationship with someone you can tell everything to, but I never wanted to picture an image of her being that someone. She refused to listen to any kind of rejection.  She only followed through with what she wanted and the level of discomfort that I felt only escalated. It escalated until those boundaries that were crossed was the way she touched me and how she spoke to me afterwards. That is what seemed so conflicting from her. As it became a routine I realized that I lost my say and I completely lost my happiness because she heard me, but never listened.

If I didn’t say what I finally said to her through those messages, then I wouldn’t be living in peace right now. If nothing changed, I would have to let someone continue to treat me like I’m their girlfriend. I would have someone who demanded on who I talk to because she only wanted me to talk to her. I would have someone who would prefer me to not smile every day like I was also her enemy.  I would have had someone who would put me down until I fully believed every single word. I almost did.  No matter how harsh it was, I don’t regret anything that I exploded  back to her because nobody deserves to be treated like that, especially without a clear explanation. No one deserves to desperately desire to be alone the way that I did. I always thought to myself that I would live happier that way. Without having anyone to keep me down when they knew I already was.

I lost my best friend. The only person I let know what was inside of my head.I had other friends, but I still  felt so alone.  I didn’t think too deeply about the loneliness because I was free. I am free. I am free to be myself and I am free to choose who should be in my life. I never had the idea that it would feel this amazing inside. I never had the thought in my mind that there is always going to be someone better for me. In any friendship or relationship. For a while I forced myself to think that her harsh treatment was the best that I could get from anyone. My life is my own and it always was this way. I need to actually embrace that for the first time. I should only look for people that will let me because those are what real friends are like. Even though I haven’t found those friends right now doesn’t mean that it is the end. Happiness isn’t about having other people unless they approve of who you are. All I need is myself and no one else to determine my happiness for the rest of my life now. That is a lesson that I will never forget so easily again.

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