The first day of school. Another day to dread as I felt the anxiety hit me as I first walked into the building. I didn’t have anyone to run to like everyone else did which kind of stung a little bit.
The only person that I have right now is Nate but only because he is my boyfriend. I remember us chasing after each other last year. He gave me the good anxiety that made my heart beat fast and the butterflies that bumped into each other in my stomach. I knew that we had something every time that I looked at him with that feeling. I’m not going to lie, our relationship has kind of faded at this point. In a way, he made himself the only person that I talk to, and he absolutely looked at me with hate every single time that I was talking to another guy. I don’t know why. I am a very awkward but loyal girl. I have been hoping for his trust more than anything else in the world. Since he is basically the only person in my school life, I don’t know what to do without him. How could my life go on without the only person in my life? That is what hurts the most. Starting over. I’m scared to move on because who else could love a girl as flawed as me.I’m overweight like my mom says. I’m not as smart as the other girls. I basically don’t have anything that makes me different. I don’t even blend in when I walk with a crowd. I stand out, but not in the way that you would want to stand out.
I’m not as excited to see Nate like the first day we were together, but I know that he expects me to look for him and greet him with the biggest smile. The more that I think of it, it just seems so fake to say I love someone that I don’t. I should tell him how I truly feel. Maybe he could even change for me… Maybe…
I have my schedule in my hand, and the class that I have first is music which is giving me, even more, anxiety for some reason. I never had music before, but all of a sudden, I have it now. I have never really learned how to play an instrument. The only instrument that I have actually used is honestly a fork and a spoon. That sounds a little messed up now that I’m thinking about it. At least I’m honest…
I start to walk into the classroom which is on the fifth floor. That’s going to be my daily exercise if I keep getting this class first period… That’s pretty much it. Before I actually make it into the music room, I was interrupted by my boyfriend, who was waiting for me.
“Hey, babe,” he greets me with a smirk.
“Hey, Nate,” I respond with my arms open to him, and he gives me a big squeeze.
He is lucky that we have time to flirt, and I’m trying to take my time because I am not ready to disappoint myself with another activity. I’m not really giving him eye contact because it’s difficult. I’m a little conflicted on how I really feel about him. What has our relationship become at this point?
“What’s wrong, baby girl,” he comforts me with each hand on an arm, desperately trying to meet his eyes with mine.
“I’m going to be honest with you even though it’s very hard to…” I start, attempting to not show the sadness in my voice.
“Tell me, Alison,” he demands, still trying to make eye contact.
I wish that I didn’t have to be honest. I feel the pot inside me about to overflow with all the bubbles of insecurity and hurt. If I say anything about my true feelings, I know that the rest of the problems will spill out all over Nate. I did love him deeply. In a way that I have never loved anyone else. He was my first love, but it doesn’t mean that he is the last. Well, I’m still not sure… He only wants to know every little thing that is inside of my head, but what if I can’t put every thought into words?
“It’s everything Nate,” I reveal with a crack in my voice.
“Alison, come over after school, and we can talk,” Nate suggests.
“Maybe,” I accept with my cheeks turning pink.
He has his ways of swooning me. It isn’t always enough, but I want to give him a chance after school. Everyone deserves one. Even me sometimes.
“Great,” he says with another smirk.
He kisses me on the cheek and rushes to his classroom. He better have some kind of idea to make me feel better. I am desperate to feel better right now.
I come back into reality, and I walk into the classroom. As I enter, I am in a trance of a beautiful sound coming from a guitar, I think. I ignore the teacher, and I follow the sound to the middle of the room where I saw a boy focused on playing his guitar. He was in his own trance with his instrument, and all I could do was stare at him. He was as gorgeous as the music he was playing. He had jet black hair and most of it was covering his face. He was a slim boy that was covered in black and white with his outfit. He had the most adorable birthmark in the shape of a circle on his forehead. I had to make sure that I wasn’t drooling.
He looks up at me, and I want to faint or go anywhere else. I am not ready for this boy to look at me and instantly reject me in a glance, but he just looks at me for a second and puts his focus back on his guitar. It was just a basic acoustic, but I could feel the personal value of it every time he looks down at it to play.
“You play?” he asks me.
Even his voice is music to my ears. How could one boy be so perfect? I really want to know.
“Uh, no I don’t…” I answer feeling even more bad about myself.
The silence begins again. I want to impress him, and I know that music is the only way.
“I have always wanted to learn how to play guitar,” I brought up, hoping that he would care about the things that I want to say to him.
As soon as I told him, he lit up. I have never seen anyone become excited because of me. It’s actually pretty refreshing.
“Sit with me,” he tells me, revealing his white teeth that I can’t find a flaw in.
I start to freeze. I know that we are in the middle of a conversation, but I wasn’t sure if he actually wants me to sit next to him. The class is about to start in a couple minutes and he isn’t stressed at all. I wish that I could be as carefree as him.
“Do you always come this early?” I ask him, desperately trying to make small talk.
“Only for this class,” he tells me as he gives me another smile.
He flips his perfectly gelled hair back and hands me the guitar. It took me a while to accept it because I was so nervous.
“Let me teach you the basics,” he begins as he stands behind my chair to guide me.
His enthusiasm is making me feel so weak. He puts one of his hands on my left one, and I am trying not to shake in excitement. He takes my hand and makes me caress the front of the guitar.
“This is the neck,” he teaches me.
Then, he places my finger to one of the gaps on the neck of the guitar on the strings.
“Each one of these spaces is a fret,” he explains. “ You will need to remember these frets when you learn how to play some chords.”
“I think I get it,” I respond, and we smile at each other in some kind of agreement.
His hand is still touching mine when I hear the bell ring, and all of our classmates start pouring into the music room. I stand up in a panic hoping that they didn’t see anything else.
“Hey, Alison, do you have…” his question trails off when I pass him his guitar and rush to sit at a desk.
I did not get what I hoped for. He stands with his guitar in his hand not sure what to do next and just decides to place it back on the guitar stand. I hear whispers from all around the room that didn’t really sound like whispers because they were all talking in unison. I kept hearing my boyfriend’s name the most. My classmates really know how to make a great moment into terrible. I know how fast words spread because words spread quicker than fire, so that means I’m in some kind of trouble…